Sunday, March 01, 2009

Hello again!

After a two year hiatus, I am back. I sure wish I could tell you something brilliant or make up an insane excuse for why I didn't write for 2 years other than that I forgot how to read and write. But I am back to write on this blog for 2 reasons:

1) I have no friends
2) I know of very few people who know sports like I do.

That being said, I am going to talk about more stuff other than sports on this blog. Why? Well, why the hell not. After 25 years, I have discovered that there is more to life than sports. I mean, not a whole heck of a lot is more important than sporting events but a few things qualify. I hope to share something on a subject every single day other than sports. But to be honest, I associate so much of life with sports. So much in fact, that it pisses people off. For example, the last time I saw my buddy Chris was at homecoming. After watching the UMM football team get pasted, I watched real college football with my buddy. As the hours went on and the Illinois vs. Michigan game bled into the Miami vs. Florida State swampfest and that in turn, into the Vanderbilit vs. Auburn game, my buddy was talking about a fat chick he knew. Feeling the urge to contribute, I said, "Hey, I really don't buy all that shit about Fat Pat's weight (Pat Williams for all of you not in the know). There is no **((*(( way he is 319 lbs." Everyone in the room chuckled and my buddy said, "Jesus, you take this stuff way too seriously."

I really am a compulsive sports fan. That is right, a fan. It still is cool to be a fan in my mind. Compared to many people my age, I am an anomaly. I don't drink while watching a game with people. I don't gossip with anyone during a game. I am dedicated to one thing; the game. Always have been, always will be.

As a college student, I was what one might call a bleeding heart liberal. For a very short period of time, I turned myself away from the selection sundays, the opening ceremonies, and the pregame festivities. Instead, I watched shitty foreign films, ate crusty foccacia bread, and was highly opinionated in the "world of literature." It took a new group of friends to reignite my sports obsession. In life, we all make mistakes. So, I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself for my brief backslide. But to be honest, I fucking hate the guy that I was.

The other night, I had a devil of a time trying to get to sleep. I went to the gym for a while. Came back, still nothing. Watched a few infomercials and great movies on TBS and TNT. Still wide awake. Finally, I cracked about a sports almanac and memorized every single Heisman trophy winner dating back to 1935. It took me about 30 minutes, but I had every one down from Jay Berwanger to Sam Bradford.

Watching movies on TNT late at night on the weekends is somewhat of a drag. These networks put movies on 1 AM that are generally revolting to any decent human being. For example, how many times can you see Richard Greio getting pissed when Chris Kattan/Will Ferrell ask if Johnny Depp is coming to the nightclub? For me, it is a wonderful scene. I love movies like Tropic Thunder and Jay and Silent Bob strike back that capture the average celebrity being a total douchebag. It is the closest thing that can make me feel like a Hollywood insider.

BTW, I hate Will Ferrell. The only movies that I can actually watch with him in it are coincidentally, Night and the Roxbury and Jay and silent bob strike back. I don't hate him in such a way that provokes me to punch him in the face. It is just that his shtick usually isn't that funny. I used to feel that he was the worst at comedic acting and that there would be no way that I could feel otherwise. That is, until I saw Owen Wilson.

On the topic of cable movies, the Citizen Kane of cable movies has to be XXX: State of the union. Many people who know me probably thought, "Jesus, he is going to say Varsity Blues here." But actually, I really like Varsity Blues as a sports movie. It is just good ol' fashioned fun. The football scenes are so realistic and emotionally charged that it can make even the stringiest of a string-bean benchwarmers feel like they are part of the action. But I digress. XXX: State of the union is pure, unabashedly, crap. Most movies try to make a statement or have you going with a little suspense before dropping the satire card into the movie, making everything feel suddenly as akward as the time your Uncle Saul dropped a big fart into the middle of the easter egg planning conversation. But XXX: State of the Union has Samuel L. Jackson overacting in such a decadent way that you can actually feel his prescence when he is not on screen. During the ridiculous scene where Xzhibit and Ice Cube plan a way to break into the white house and foil Willem Defoe's plan for world wide domination, I was still laughing inside because of Samuel shouting, "YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED THAT BITCH." Best line ever in a movie, hands down.

Do you ever wonder what happened to certain people? I am not talking about your prom date or your freshman RA. I mean, people like Alex Winter, Chris Kattan, Dana Carvey, and Greg Kelser. They might be bitter because they aren't famous like their buddies but we will never know because I am not sure if they still exist.

In closing, thanks for reading this. Even if you didn't read all of it because you thought that reading it would be an intense waste of time, thanks. I know you all have questions like, "What happened to Elisa Donovan?" and "Why didn't the Vikings sign Jeff Garcia?" Quite frankly, those are all great questions but I to paraphrase the great James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues, "I am only one man. "


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